A Lowrd of the Reengs Spoof
by Closet-Monster
Summary: SPOOF! Funny! Read! Review! Enjoy! (some language)


A/N: Heeeey! This is a spoof of 'The Lord of the Rings'! Funny, funny, funny! XD And NO, this will not be a self-insert fic, even though I admit that would be fun...a little TOO fun, actually. I'd be attached to Legolas' ass the whole time and you'd probably get real bored real fast...or maybe you WOULDN'T...  
  
...I gotta think on this one. -.-;;  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR, so don't sue me for usin' the movie's lines or anything. They belong to Peter Jackson...that fat ass. *envyness* Well, here's chapter one, so read and enjoy! ...and review! Pretty please? ^^ Thanks.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*Intro. to Lowrd of the Reengs*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Creepy music starts palying. A piece of paper is held up with "A Wingnut Films Production" scribbled on it. A laugh is heard in the background.  
  
"Haha! NUT!"  
  
"Shut-up!" another voice whispers angrily.  
  
"Hahahaha..."   
  
The music continues playing. A moment later, a creepy voice whispers in Elvish: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAHBLAH. "The world has changed." BLAHAHA BLAH BLAH. "I feel it in the water." BLAH HAHA HA "I feel it in the Earth." HAMANAHAHA BLAH. "I smell it in the air."  
  
The same voice from earlier shouts nearby. "Ah, that was me! Sorry!"  
  
"...dirty human." *clears throat* "Anyway, much that once was, is lost. For none now live who remember it......hahaha. All the humans died."  
  
"Hey, so did you witch!"  
  
"...shut-up." The music picks up a little higher as another piece of paper is passes by the camera. 'The Lowrd of the Reengs' is sloppily written on it.  
  
"Gyah! You idiots! You spelled it wrong!"  
  
*whimper*  
  
"That's right....you little bitch." It fades to another scene. Rings are being made. "It began with the forging of the Great Rings," says Galadriel. "Three were given to the elves; immortal, fairest, and wisest of all beings."  
  
"...someone's a little conceded..."  
  
"Don't make me come over there!" The elf screams, "...besides, I'm just telling the truth."  
  
"I just love this movie," says someone off-screen, "Makes us look like crap."  
  
"Humans are dirt! Filthy, stinking animals!" she pauses, "...and what was this about a movie?"  
  
"Err...I didn't say anything."  
  
"I thought so," she continues, "Well, it turns out mine didn't fit right and I had to return it for a new one...three times. ...stupid evil people." The scene switches to some Dwarves. "Eww, midgets." They pick up the rings. "Seven, to the short, fat people Lords; great miners, and craftsmen of the mountain halls." The scene then changes to men. "Who would build their palace in a mountain? Come ON...erm, and nine, NINE frikkin rings were given to the race of men, who above all else are greedy bastards."  
  
"Grrrr..."  
  
"Hahaha. For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race...now whoever thought of that idea? But they were all of them decieved. For-"  
  
"Hey, hey, hey. Why do you gotta talk like that?"  
  
"...what do you mean?"  
  
*mockingly* "But they were all of them decieved. What kind of weirdo talks like that!?"  
  
"Shut-up! It make me feel superior."  
  
*raises eyebrow*  
  
"...of which I already AM."  
  
"Suuuuure. Whatever you say."  
  
"Damn straight whatever I say! Well, as I was stating before, they were all decieved 'cuz another ring was made in the land of Mordor, you know, in that firery rock thing-"  
  
"You mean Mount Doom?"  
  
"Yes! The Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a Master Ring to control all others because he's a douche and likes jewelry. Why didn't he make a sword or something else, you ask? Because! Rings are pretty and shiny and wonderful! ...and smooth, and shiiiiiinnyyyyy..." she begins stroking her own Ring of Power, but notices everyone staring at her and quickly thrusts her hand behind her back. "There's nothing to see here! ...ANYWAY," *getting all professional again* "Into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life...which I don't quite get...but that's not the point! The point is, it was The ring; One Ring to Rule them all."  
  
It turns to a village scene, where people are running around in circles like chickens with their heads cut off, screaming at the top of their lungs, some even SOUNDING like chickens, with a bunch of orc guys chasing them down with sharp metal objects. "One by one, the free lands of Middle-Earth fell to the power of The Ring. ...haha, pussies."  
  
"Yo mamma was a pussy!"  
  
"What did you just say!?" she gives a deathglare.  
  
*whimper* "Don't hurt me."  
  
"I don't have the time to do such things...unfortunately."  
  
"Thank God..."  
  
"I AM God!" she bellows, "...but, on with the story. Of course, there has to be SOME little pricks who resisted..." Cuts to a scene with an army of prancing men in armor. "A last alliance of men, and the stupidest of elves, marches against the armies of Mordor, and on the slopes of, uh..."  
  
"Mount Doom."  
  
"Yeah! And on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth." A couple of bad-guys growl at the camera. "...nasty." Archers shoot 'em down. Elrond yells something in freaky-deaky Elvish and more arrows fly. Then a chop chop here and a chop chop there, and Galadriel begins talking again. "Victory was near." Everyone pretty much stops what they're doing as Sauron walks onto the battlefield. "But the power of The Ring could not be undone."   
  
The Dark Lord raises his lance as if about to strike, but strikes a pose instead and holds out his finger. "Hey guys! What do you think about my ring!? Isn't it so evil and menacing!?"  
  
"....noooo."  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Not particulary."  
  
"Pfft. Fairy."  
  
*GASP!* "How dare you insult my beautiful, beautiful ring!" And with that, he swung his weapon at the rebels and made them die. "Hey, this is pretty fun!" He continues his massacre until an important-looking guy charges at him and is knocked aside.  
  
"Yeah, another guy ran over to him and cried...haha, pus-"  
  
"Shut-up already!"  
  
"Fine! Spoil my fun! I don't care!" she crosses her arms, "It was in this moment that Isildur, son of the King, took up his father's sword." Shows it getting broken and him cutting off Sauron's ring finger. It falls to the ground, smoking, while the Dark Lord combusts. (duuuuude! look at the people's reactions at this part of the moooovie! there's like an elf whose smiling and looks like he's head-banging! XD) Everyone falls down. Galadriel picks up from there. "Sauron, the fairy and enemy of the free peoples of Middle-Earth, was defeated....NOT. They just THOUGHT he was gone. Stupid humans."  
  
The new king picks up the smoldering ring. The finger crumbles away. "Eww..." He stares at it like an idiot. "The ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever." Shows him and some of his men riding on horses, the ring around his neck, and a big, neon sign protruding from his armor and reading 'Ring Bearer'.   
  
"But the hearts of men are easily corrupted," she looks up thoughtfully , then continues. "Actually, screw that. They're just greedy, ignorant bastards! All of them!"  
  
Some evil guys flying tackle him and his horse from the woods. Pygmies with blow-darts shoot at him. All of a sudden, Isildur is dead in the water.  
  
"And BECAUSE of this, The Ring betrayed him to his death...which he most definetly DESERVED." The Ring sinks to the bottom of the river. "And some things that should not have been forgotten - like a ring that can rule over the whole Earth! - were lost. History became legend. Legend, became myth. And for two and a half THOUSAND effing years, the ring passed out of all knowledge. And do you know why? Because the dirty scum called HUMANS OBVIOUSLY HAVE A MEMORY PROBLEM! ...anyway, it was like this until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer."   
  
A normal-looking hand scoops it up from the water. Then it turns all ugly and a whisper hisses, "My preecioouuussssss."  
  
View of some mountains. "It came to the creature Gollum...that dirty, dirty creature...who took it deep into the Misty Mountains. And there, it consumed him...stupid Hobbit-thing."  
  
Picture of some dead fish and Gollum petting The Ring. "It came to me. My own, my love, my own, my...preecioooussss."  
  
"...freak."  
  
"Gollum!?" His head whips around.  
  
Galadriel points a disgusted finger at him. "Apparently, he sees it more than just a friend," she pauses, "And it gave him a really long life-span...to my utter disappointment." *mumbling* "I wish he'd just die already, that creepy little shit." She turns her attention back to the story. "For three hundred years, it poisoned his mind. And in the gloom...and stink...of Gollum's cave, it waited."  
  
The scene fades to a night sky. "Darkness crept back into the world 'cuz that's what happens when the sun goes down. Rumor grew of a shadow in the East; whispers of a nameless fear...which doesn't entirely make sense, but that's okay. And the Ring of Power percieved that its time had now come."  
  
"...what? Does it have like a brain or something?"  
  
"No you idiot! It has the Dark Lord's soul in it! Weren't you paying any attention!?"  
  
"...no."  
  
"Argh! I'll deal with you later!"  
  
*whimper*  
  
"Well, it abandoned Gollum and then Dildo...I mean, BILBO, picked it up. You know, that stupid little hobbit guy from the Shire. Yeah, the time was gonna come up real soon when those hairy little midgets were gonna shape the misfortune of us all...or, something like that."  
  
"Nice Galdriel."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"...nice JOB."  
  
"What!?"  
  
"Hey! I'm not being sarcastic!"  
  
"Don't you lie to me!" The elf chases everyone off the set and the scene ends.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A/N: ^^ Yay! That took me forever! So, whaddya think!? Huh, huh!? Tell me! Review please! 


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